


the advent of master gherkin

by lazulisong



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, I've never personally dealt with a yorkie but I'm told they're all Satan, M/M, harry is a not sane person, merlin's life is the worst, which is fair, yorkies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-10 00:06:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4369556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazulisong/pseuds/lazulisong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry finds a puppy, and Merlin knows exactly how this is going to go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the advent of master gherkin

**Author's Note:**

  * For [razmataaz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/razmataaz/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Harry and a Yorkie Puppy](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/129590) by Raz. 



> so on twitter Raz was like WHAT SHOULD I DRAW and I'm predictable so I said HARRY AND A PUPPY and [between one thing and another this happened.](http://razdraws.tumblr.com/post/123941762806/lazulisong-prompted-harry-and-a-yorkie-puppy-and)
> 
> I actually tried to write it from Harry's and Eggsy's POVs and then today I was like okay but what if Merlin had to deal with it, so that's why it's so late, Raz.

When Merlin walks into the hotel room where Harry was supposed to be meeting with a group of mafia, Harry is covered with blood and holding a Yorkie puppy, which, on reflection, is probably the best case scenario. 

At least poor Eggsy isn't here to see it. Eggsy has a touching belief in Harry's sanity, despite all of Merlin's efforts: seeing Harry look down at the puppy with grave tenderness with (Merlin counts) five corpses cooling around him and managing to convince himself that Harry was perfectly fine would probably take more mental effort than the poor lad could spare. 

"I suppose you were supposed to be a present," says Harry to the puppy. "How rotten for you."

Merlin groans silently. If Harry gets _attached_ to the creature, he'll move heaven and earth and all it stands for to keep the wretched thing, and thirteen years from now it'll be Mr Pickle all over again. Him and Harry at a taxidermist's shop, with Harry explaining exactly how he wants the poor beast laid out while Merlin waves banknotes silently and mouths 'he's mad' behind him. It had been all Merlin could do to convince him not to get poor Mr Pickle immortalized in bronze. 

(If Eggsy ever finds Harry's collection of china Yorkie figures, Merlin's not going to help Harry. He can sort that mess out his own bloody self.) 

"Harry," says Merlin, "Give me the puppy, there's a lad."

Harry looks up. "He looks like Mr Pickle, don't you think?" He doesn't make a move to give Merlin the puppy. The puppy is shivering a little from stress, but looking up at Harry trustfully. Dogs do that, which is ridiculous, because Harry doesn't believe in pets. He's too independent, Merlin, they're such a bother, and what if he died on assignment and left the bloody thing alone, what if that happened. Don't give him that look, Merlin, he's in the puppy kennel to see what they're to give the recruits this time. _Does_ he have two puppies in his lap and another in his arms, he quite hadn't noticed, Merlin.

"He looks a right bloody mess," says Merlin tartly, stepping over a corpse and reaching for the puppy. "You've got the poor wee bugger all over gore. Go on, go have a wash, I'll take care of the puppy."

Harry lets him take it reluctantly. Merlin looks down at the puppy, who returns the look with bright black eyes. He's rather charming, actually. "Why, you're nothing but a wee gherkin," he says, as Harry moves to the washroom of the hotel suite. 

"Master Gherkin, to you," says Harry from the basin.

* * *

"And that's why your dog's nose is out of joint," explains Merlin to Eggsy, as they watch Harry stroll along the grounds, watching the recruits run around the track, their dogs following behind. Harry has JB on a lead and the tiny Yorkie puppy tucked under one arm. JB looks profoundly resentful of having to trot at heel while Master Gherkin is carried at his ease. 

"Lucky puppy," says Eggsy. He's not even trying to pretend he's not envious.

Merlin snorts.

**Author's Note:**

> a gherkin is a type of pickled cucumber - wiki says it's the generic name for a pickled cucumber in the UK but here in Oregon when we say 'gherkin' we actually mean 'very small cucumber pickle', so there's that. 'Master' is to a small male child what 'miss' is to a small female one.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The advent of master gherkin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5612905) by [greedy_dancer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greedy_dancer/pseuds/greedy_dancer)




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